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Sunday, 12 October 2008, 10:05
gutted...

I can't believe how smoothly the party went last night. Mum and Dad made a huge effort with the bbq , and everyone had a pretty amazing night. Everyone got on great and all the family were there and Lilly looked absolutely stunningly beautiful, as always.

And then when we finally had alone time together in my room afterwards, just when I was about to tell her how sorry I was for everything and how much of an effort I was prepared to make to get things okay again, she told me that she felt we couldn't go back to how we were. No, she didn't even say that's what she felt. She just told me that we just couldn't go back. As in, it's not happening.

I'm really gutted. I never expected her to forgive me so I should have seen it coming but I was just too involved in making a damn effort to please her. And it was all worth it, really was, cos she looked so stunning last night with her blue dress and blonde hair and hardly any make up. She looked so effortlessly perfect, and if I hadn't have screwed up then last night probably would have been the night I would have asked her out again.

Something really great could have happened between us and I ruined that. I totally get that she wouldn't have been bothered if it had been any one else. It's just with it being Summer...
We had such a great night together, holed up in a corner away from the hustle and bustle. We were cuddling, laughing, and all the time I should have known that she was pretty quiet and uncomfortable not because she felt nervous but because she just couldn't do it.
I asked her if she trusted me. She said she did. I asked her to answer the question. She said if Summer ever does it again how hard would it be for me to resist her. I told her I would always be faithful. She said she couldn't count on that yet.

So that's a no then.

We didn't argue or anything, it was more of a sad conversation. I went outside to get some fresh air and when I got back Lilly was asleep in my chair, and she had been crying. I picked her up - shes so light these days - and put her into my bed before going back outside. Haven't slept much, and I don't really know what to say to Lilly this morning when I see her.