Josh Baker

Saturday, 4 October 2008, 03:28

stupid...

I can't sleep, and it's pretty much sending me crazy. Dinner with Lilly was perfect tonight; I'm totally falling for her and she's everything I've ever wanted in a girl. She's so funny and pretty and sexy and kind. And that's why I hate myself. Because as soon as I get something I want, I end up chucking it away. I should have told Lilly tonight what happened between me and Summer, but I just couldn't. Not when I saw her in her beautiful dress, her hair all done and looking perfect. It wasn't the place or the time, and as selfish as it sounds I didn't want to tell her, not tonight.

But now it's too late. I should have told her at the first opportunity and now I haven't, so when she finds out it's going to hurt her more than ever because I've kept it from her. I don't get how I can be so stupid sometimes. I talked to Sam about it tonight but I don't really feel as though I can talk to anyone else. I've always told Jordon everything, but I can't tell him this because there's a chance that it'll get back to Lilly. I feel so, so stupid. Why did I have to go and fall right into Summer's trap? She really is an evil bitch. It wasn't even good sex, I didn't even want it, it just happened, just how Summer wanted it.

Me and Lilly are going to Ollie's party tomorrow, I don't know whether we're going as a couple or not, but I'm guessing Summer's told everyone what's happened, and everyone knows apart from Lilly. Which pretty much means that someone's going to get drunk and tell her, and she's going to be humiliated. I don't know what I can do to stop it from happening. I mean, we're even sharing a hotel room together tomorrow because Lilly doesn't want to stay at Ollie's house for some reason. I'm not saying I expect it to but what if something happens between me and Lilly?

Things are going to be even worse.

I need to tell her. I just don't think I can.