Josh Baker

Saturday, 25 October 2008, 04:08

I've had the worst night possible. Mum was cooking dinner for us earlier when suddenly she fainted and we couldn't bring her round. I've never panicked so much in my whole life and the next thing I know Mum was being rushed to the hospital in the ambulance and we were in there with her and she wasn't breathing and...

I can't believe it. I really thought Mum was getting better, but she's been so drained and I've been too busy with all this fucking drama at uni to notice that my Mum is literally fading away. I've been so blind and I'm so fucking angry with myself.

They wouldn't tell us anything at the hospital. After hours of waiting and no answers from the million questions we asked the doctors I started getting angry and upset. I tried so hard to contain it but I'm just so fucking angry with myself that I couldn't help it.

We had left Mikey in bed but he woke up and rang asking where we were and I tried explaining the best I could but I got upset again and...

After five hours of waiting the doctor finally came out and told us something that I really couldn't deal with hearing. Mum's cancer has returned. She doesn't have any option than to go into surgery as soon as possible to undergo a double mastectomy. I don't remember my legs giving way but I remember being helped onto a chair, and then I remember someone putting their arms around me. I looked up but didn't register than it was Lilly. All I remember was her arms around me really tightly.

The next thing I realise it's 4am and I'm back home but can't sleep. Lilly is sitting in my chair asking me to try and get some rest but now I'm wide awake. I can't remember half of the night, all I know is that we're back at the bottom of the hill again with a long way to go up. And that as soon as she knew I was in trouble, Lilly was there to try and help me through it.